On Being Quiet

Before she knew it, Mariah had consumed a half gallon tub of Blue Bell rocky road ice cream.  Her emotions were so raw she’d lost track of time again.  Her body that was no longer a svelte size seven, lumbered across the four feet into the kitchen and rinsed the empty tub in the sink before tossing it into the garbage can.  She couldn’t afford to have ants in the kitchen again.  Malcolm was sure to lecture and non-too nicely.  Mariah placed the spoon into the half empty dish washer which she refused to cut on until she had a full load.  She didn’t want to get into it with Malcolm about not conserving energy.  She’d just eaten a dose of sweet pain away after he’d accused her of over drafting the checking account again.  Malcolm had been vicious when he tore into her about being irresponsible.  He made her feel like such a worthless dumb butt.   She bit back the tears as he yelled at her and refused to interrupt his tirade.  All she could think about at the time was that this was the man who had promised to love, honor and cherish her until death parted them.   

When Malcolm finally left for work Miriam sat down on the lime green Naugahyde couch in the living room with the frayed lesions on the seat cushion where her butt had shaped a permanent dimple and opened a box of Lorna Doones to go with the ice cold glass of milk on the TV tray beside her.  She knew she shouldn't indulge and she was on her way to yet another rant from Malcolm about her weight.  She could only hope that maybe it wouldn't be so bad this time. Who am I kidding? She thought.  With the first bite, Mariah said good bye to her resolve to lose the extra pounds that hung around her middle and along with it her dream that she would ever be happy again. We’ve all been there at one time or another.

I’d like to say thank you for your interest in my blog.  Since you’re here do you mind answering a few questions?  I want you to be honest when you do.  Does your spouse or lover enjoy harassing or humiliating you?  Do you find yourself staying quiet to keep the peace?  Do you deny yourself simple pleasures because your mate will go ballistic?  If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then you no longer have a voice in your relationship.  You are with someone who is only happy when they are controlling you.  If you are a rational adult does that seem fair? You are unhappy and the big question is whether you intend to do anything about it? What you shouldn’t do is remain quiet.  That will only make things worse.  Before you know it you will be in agreement with your significant other that they have the right to have control over you and pretty soon you will become invisible.  Right now you’re broken and don’t even know you need to be fixed.

I was broken, still am.  But I am working at becoming whole again, every single day.  I went through a period in my life where I didn’t make waves, and avoided confrontations because it literally made my head feel like it would explode.  Within the blinking of an eye I was quiet.  Eventually I walked away from the controlling relationship I had been in for years, but by then I was content to be quiet.  I didn’t realize how quiet I was until I started attending a poetry workshop at the downtown library.  At each meeting the group members would be asked to share a piece they’d written while in the class.  The first few meetings I felt intimidated and worried that what I had written wasn’t very poetic, nor were the subjects something I wanted to discuss with anyone.  As the months went by the more I forced myself to respond when asked to share, the easier it got to participate.  When I started getting a rhythm and received some positive feedback from the group I began to look forward to my turn to share.  But all good things must come to an end.  One night I wrote a poem about not knowing what it felt like to be loved and inadvertently shared something personal about not liking to be touched.  A byproduct of my depression was it hurt physically to be touched.  Only a few people that were close to me knew of my condition.  For the most part when I was squeezed or rubbed by some unsuspecting well wisher I would wooo sawww to hold myself together.   Needless to say I developed a high threshold for pain.  I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings because they generally mean well so I was quiet.  In my quietness I realized that I could handle an encounter better if the person intending to invade my space gave me some warning in advance that they were going “to lay hands on” so I could brace myself for impact.  Unfortunately, that night I opened my mouth and my secret came out.  The rest of the group members looked at me like this poor pathetic soul who needed prayer and therapy.  I tried to explain my situation with the end result being that I had revealed more about myself than I even knew about myself.  I had a break through and didn't know I was in need of one.  It scared the BeJesus out of me that I was that out of touch with my life. I was embarrassed that my epiphany had a room full of witnesses so after that night I made up every kind of excuse to keep from going back to the workshop.  It turned out that the group members sympathy was truly empathy and I found my way back to sharing and have grown as a person, and a writer since that fateful night.  That was the first time I wept uncontrollably in front of the group.  Last night was the second time as I thanked them for helping me find my voice.  I shared a letter with them that I was compelled to write and it goes a little like this: Dear Sir/Madam, It has been my pleasure to attend the Wordsmith Workshops for the past year.  Like a blacksmith strikes his anvil with power and might to shape metal in the heat of fire, through sharing my thoughts and emotions with fellow artists, I feel I have hammered out a work of art to reflect the words that burn at the depths of my soul.

Yet broken when I walked through the door, it wasn’t until I opened my mouth and began to speak that I realized I how badly I needed to be fixed.  The journey from where I was to where I am was not easy, but so necessary.  Over the months I welcomed the challenges and advice from my peers to make me search for the need to be whole again.

My journey has just begun and I look forward to seeing where my path will lead.  I gladly take up my charge as a smith with my pen shaping words for the masses.  I have always enjoyed reading and now after taking the time to write, which has always been a passion of mine, I thank God who has allowed me to find my voice.  Because I have been given such a blessing I would like to inspire others to find their talents by embracing their dreams.

I am committed to open the minds and encourage the souls of all people through written and spoken word.

For all the times I’ve held my peace it’s time to “Speak Now.”  Sincerely Artemis Craig

If you find yourself in a relationship much like Mariah, that causes you to live your life in quiet because you feel you don’t deserve to speak up, make a checklist of the pros and cons of staying in the relationship.  Compromise is always necessary in a relationship, but invisibility is a travesty.  I would like to encourage you to go looking for what you are passionate about.  Rediscover your dreams and find your happiness.

If you're wondering about Mariah, she's going to be just fine.  Last I heard she was studying Karate and dropping the weight.  After she started leaving the house and socializing with others again she found the courage to follow her dream to become an anime artist.  I'm proud to say she found her dream where she lost it and it wasn't in the bottom of a tub of rocky road ice cream.   It may not be easy, but it will be well worth it to speak up for yourself and get some help on your way to finding your lost dream.  I guarantee in your search you will reclaim your life.

In parting I leave you with words to live by, “don’t settle for what you can get.  Get what you want…”