Before she knew it, Mariah had consumed a half gallon tub of
Blue Bell rocky road ice cream. Her
emotions were so raw she’d lost track of time again. Her body that was no longer a
svelte size seven, lumbered across the four feet into the kitchen and rinsed the empty tub in the sink before
tossing it into the garbage can. She
couldn’t afford to have ants in the kitchen again. Malcolm was sure to lecture and non-too
nicely. Mariah placed the spoon into the
half empty dish washer which she refused to cut on until she had a full
load. She didn’t want to get into it
with Malcolm about not conserving energy.
She’d just eaten a dose of sweet pain away after he’d accused her of
over drafting the checking account again.
Malcolm had been vicious when he tore into her about being
irresponsible. He made her feel like
such a worthless dumb butt. She bit
back the tears as he yelled at her and refused to interrupt his tirade. All she could think about at the time was
that this was the man who had promised to love, honor and cherish her until
death parted them.
When
Malcolm finally left for work Miriam sat down on the lime green Naugahyde couch
in the living room with the frayed lesions on the seat cushion where her butt
had shaped a permanent dimple and opened a box of Lorna Doones to go with the
ice cold glass of milk on the TV tray beside her. She knew she shouldn't indulge and she was on her way to yet another rant from Malcolm about her weight. She could only hope that maybe it wouldn't be so bad this time. Who am
I kidding? She thought. With the
first bite, Mariah said good bye to her resolve to lose the extra pounds that hung
around her middle and along with it her dream that she would ever be happy
again. We’ve all been there at one time or another.
I’d like to say thank you for your interest in my blog. Since you’re here do you mind answering a few
questions? I want you to be honest when
you do. Does your spouse or lover enjoy
harassing or humiliating you? Do you
find yourself staying quiet to keep the peace?
Do you deny yourself simple pleasures because your mate will go
ballistic? If you answered yes to any or
all of these questions then you no longer have a voice in your
relationship. You are with someone who
is only happy when they are controlling you.
If you are a rational adult does that seem fair? You are unhappy and the
big question is whether you intend to do anything about it? What you shouldn’t
do is remain quiet. That will only make
things worse. Before you know it you
will be in agreement with your significant other that they have the right to
have control over you and pretty soon you will become invisible. Right now you’re broken and don’t even know
you need to be fixed.
I was broken, still am.
But I am working at becoming whole again, every single day. I went through a period in my life where I
didn’t make waves, and avoided confrontations because it literally made my head
feel like it would explode. Within the
blinking of an eye I was quiet. Eventually I walked
away from the controlling relationship I had been in for years, but by then I
was content to be quiet. I didn’t
realize how quiet I was until I started attending a poetry workshop at the
downtown library. At each meeting the
group members would be asked to share a piece they’d written while in the
class. The first few meetings I felt
intimidated and worried that what I had written wasn’t very poetic, nor were
the subjects something I wanted to discuss with anyone. As the months went by the more I forced
myself to respond when asked to share, the easier it got to participate. When I started getting a rhythm and received
some positive feedback from the group I began to look forward to my turn to
share. But all good things must come to
an end. One night I wrote a poem about not knowing what it felt like to be loved and inadvertently shared
something personal about not liking to be touched. A byproduct of my depression was it hurt
physically to be touched. Only a few people that were close to me knew of my condition. For the most part when I was squeezed or rubbed by some unsuspecting well wisher I would wooo sawww to hold myself together. Needless to say I developed a high threshold for pain. I didn’t want
to hurt people’s feelings because they generally mean well so I was quiet. In my quietness I realized that I could handle
an encounter better if the person intending to invade my space gave me some
warning in advance that they were going “to lay hands on” so I could brace
myself for impact. Unfortunately, that night I opened
my mouth and my secret came out. The
rest of the group members looked at me like this poor pathetic soul who needed
prayer and therapy. I tried to explain
my situation with the end result being that I had revealed more about myself
than I even knew about myself. I had a break through and didn't know I was in need of one. It scared the BeJesus out of me that I was that out of touch with my life. I was embarrassed that my epiphany had a room full of witnesses so after
that night I made up every kind of excuse to keep from going back to the
workshop. It turned out that the group
members sympathy was truly empathy and I found my way back to sharing and have
grown as a person, and a writer since that fateful night. That was the first time I wept uncontrollably
in front of the group. Last night was
the second time as I thanked them for helping me find my voice. I shared a letter with them that I was
compelled to write and it goes a little like this: Dear Sir/Madam, It has been
my pleasure to attend the Wordsmith Workshops for the past year. Like a blacksmith strikes his anvil with
power and might to shape metal in the heat of fire, through sharing my thoughts
and emotions with fellow artists, I feel I have hammered out a work of art to
reflect the words that burn at the depths of my soul.
Yet broken when I walked through the door, it wasn’t until I
opened my mouth and began to speak that I realized I how badly I needed to be
fixed. The journey from where I was to
where I am was not easy, but so necessary.
Over the months I welcomed the challenges and advice from my peers to
make me search for the need to be whole again.
My journey has just begun and I look forward to seeing where
my path will lead. I gladly take up my
charge as a smith with my pen shaping words for the masses. I have always enjoyed reading and now after
taking the time to write, which has always been a passion of mine, I thank God
who has allowed me to find my voice.
Because I have been given such a blessing I would like to inspire others
to find their talents by embracing their dreams.
I am committed to open the minds and encourage the souls of
all people through written and spoken word.
For all the times I’ve held my peace it’s time to “Speak
Now.” Sincerely Artemis Craig
If you find yourself in a relationship much like Mariah,
that causes you to live your life in quiet because you feel you don’t deserve to speak up,
make a checklist of the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. Compromise is always necessary in a
relationship, but invisibility is a travesty.
I would like to encourage you to go looking for what you are passionate
about. Rediscover your dreams and find
your happiness.
If you're wondering about Mariah, she's going to be just fine. Last I heard she was studying Karate and dropping the weight. After she started leaving the house and socializing with others again she found the courage to follow her dream to become an anime artist. I'm proud to say she found her dream where she lost it and it wasn't in the bottom of a tub of rocky road ice cream. It may not be easy, but it will be well worth it to speak up for yourself and get some help on your way to finding your lost dream. I guarantee in your search you will reclaim your life.
In parting I leave you with words to live by, “don’t settle
for what you can get. Get what you
want…”
